If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
