I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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