Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
