just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
