I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
