So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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