You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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