My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
