i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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