This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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