my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize