Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Text me some of your sweat
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