Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And then he peed in my hair
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