I could make wine with my vomit
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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