The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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