Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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