i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
