OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
