No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
