I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
