I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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