Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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