I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
