Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
