No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You were trust falling into bushes
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
