Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
