how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
