I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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