i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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