he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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