Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
