literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
