I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
