Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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