I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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