Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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