ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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