Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I smell like Dick and happiness
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