I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I smell stomach acid.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
