We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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