It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
