maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
