Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
