I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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