there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
