Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize