I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
