somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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