I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My cat gives me a boner
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
