On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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