they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
