She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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