Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize