He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
