life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
