his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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