it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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