capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize