I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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