He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
