She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
