I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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