I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
