Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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